and I don’t know where else to do it but here.
After the urging of my therapist/nutritionist I decided to put my vegan diet on hold. After a few incidents where I purged after eating meat and other animal products it became very clear that I wasn’t as recovered as I thought I was.
My therapist/nutritionist believe that if I give myself free reign with all foods now I would be able to pursue a vegan diet with no ties to my eating disorder later on.
This has honestly been the hardest part of my, “recovery” thus far. It makes me wonder how recovered I even was before this point. It was easy to say I was eating intuitively when I could still restrict so many, “bad” foods from my diet. No meat, no dairy, no soy, low sodium, no gluten (real intolerance so I still won’t be eating that) Every time I put a piece of cheese or meat in my mouth I feel so much guilt and feel like my body is literally growing as I eat it. I want to just give in and starve so bad. I hate this feeling so much.
I know this discomfort is necessary though. I couldn’t remain in that middle ground anymore. I had to fall off the fence and pick a side. Hopefully the recovered side will keep winning. Wait, I am not even going to say hopefully. I am going to say that it will.
On the bright side since I have allowed myself free reign with animal products I have been way less tempted by gluten. This is the easiest it has ever been for me to avoid foods that make me ill.