I just need to vent,
and I don’t know where else to do it but here. After the urging of my therapist/nutritionist I decided to put my vegan diet on hold. After a few incidents where I purged after eating meat and other animal products it became very clear that I wasn’t as recovered as I thought I was. My therapist/nutritionist believe that if I give myself free reign with all foods now I would be able to...
Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses...– Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar (via b0ney)
It all falls apart.
I am powerless to stop it. My disorder is calling me, screaming at me to come back. No one is trustworthy, everyone lets you down. I don’t know how I fooled myself into thinking things would be okay.
Salad of mixed greens with baby tomatoes, mushrooms, kidney beans and my homemade tahini dressing. Then a microwaved sweet potato with a dash of maple syrup. So tasty. Tahini dressing 2 tablespoons tahini 2 tablespoons water dash of lemon juice dash of salt, paprika, cayenne pepper, black pepper, and any other spice you think is nice :) Stir until you get a smooth creamy consistency.
Is the biggest bitch ever. I chose a pretty easy hill…or so I thought. My goal was 20. I did ten and then threw up/nearly passed out :/ In my defense I have been very sick the past few days and just now am on the mend. Maybe I was expecting too much from myself. Tomorrow my goal is 12.
Gluten free pasta with oven-roasted asparagus, red onions, mushrooms, and garlic mixed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Vegan, Gluten-free, and Soy-free. Living with food allergies isn’t as bad as I thought it would be :)
For my own sanity...
I am going to unfollow everyone and start fresh. Not because I don’t love you, I just need to remove myself from the eating disorder mindset as much as possible in order to fully recover. If you are a healthy weight loss blog please respond to this post or message me so I can follow you again! I wish you all the best of luck!
I am upset
and no one is around to listen. Every bit of me wants to take these feelings and workout until I pass out so I can avoid them. I am fighting it as hard as I can and I am hoping that writing this will help me. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to live, and feel, and not rely on a disorder to cope with what is honestly a very easy life. So I won’t. I won’t. I...
oraclesaidwander asked: Wow, the way you described your weight loss in your most recent post sounds so similar to me, before now, the lowest weight I ever got to, I wasn't even trying. I absolutely agree, I'd love to stay in touch, it's really great to meet you, we have so much in common! How's the marathon training going? I really want to do that some day!
…..but I am healthy and Ironically at a new low weight of 131 lbs. I have been training for a marathon and eating 1500-2000 a calories a day and have lost way more weight than I ever did during my disordered days. I have found a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorder recovery in my area and I am going to start meeting with her soon. I am going to adjust all of my goals and such...
The conversation I just had with my husband
Jeffrey: Where exactly is my libido located? Is it next to my left lung? Me:………………….you are kidding right? It’s not an organ Jeffrey. Jeffrey: Oh. I knew that. (clearly he didn’t)
December 18th my husband has an office holiday party. I finally have a reason to kick start my goals. I will be skinny and beautiful and make him proud :)
125 calories total. I feel invincible.
When i say i am tired
scaredofliving: What i mean is- I’m depressed. I’m starving myself. I want to self harm in whatever way possible and need to have an excuse to leave the room. I’m really, really lonely. I’m terrified of leaving the house right now. I don’t want to see or speak to you. I am really pissed off. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I am actually and genuinely tired.
Ugh. Who was I kidding I can’t eat like a regular human being. It’s eat everything or nothing. So I guess I am back to nothing.
Perhaps we don’t like what we see: our hips, our loss of hair, our shoe size,...– Sufjan Stevens (via iwilldropweight)
So. I am going to train for a marathon. Decided today. I run 6-12 miles a day already, why not train to run 26? Also it will force me to eat right. You can’t eat <500 calories per day and run 26 miles. I will of course update everyone on my progress. The marathon isn’t until April so I have a while to train.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It...– Neil Gaiman (via dimenticato)
5727) I thought about doing this the unhealthy...
Lord please let me get back to this mindset.
Just to let you all know I am meeting up with my personal trainer friend. He is going to help me come up with a healthy eating and exercise plan. I am going to try it. Living in these extreme mindsets is just making me feel crazier and crazier. I hope this works. Please wish me luck everyone. Your support means a lot to me as always.
Just a warning from someone stupid (me). If you drink too much caffeine on an empty stomach you will experience an effect similar to that of too much alcohol on an empty stomach. Lots and lots of vomiting. Of straight stomach acid/coffee/sugar free red bull/green tea. It isn’t pleasant at all. Also I broke out into a crazy rash all over my body. So just make sure you drink lots of...
blooming-daisies-deactivated201 asked: oooh you're fake smoothie sounds so perfect!
4781) why is it that it's easier to eat nothing at...
journeyto105: skinnythinny00: anything, everything, nothing. my biggest problem :[
My new don’t-binge-at-work-drink: 2 scoops matcha powder= 6 calories 1 cup ice/1cup water/5 pumps sugar free vanilla=0 calories. I blend all of this together for a fake smoothie that takes away the hunger pains with only 6 calories :) It can also be made with hot water instead, it just doesn’t trick your mind as much.
Sitting in a coffee shop and this little boy keeps smiling and winking at me. He just ran over and said, “you are really pretty don’t forget it” and then ran away. If I weren’t terrified of pregnancy weight I might rethink my decision to never have children.