No Longer Hiding

and I don’t know where else to do it but here.

After the urging of my therapist/nutritionist I decided to put my vegan diet on hold. After a few incidents where I purged after eating meat and other animal products it became very clear that I wasn’t as recovered as I thought I was.

My therapist/nutritionist believe that if I give myself free reign with all foods now I would be able to pursue a vegan diet with no ties to my eating disorder later on.

This has honestly been the hardest part of my, “recovery” thus far. It makes me wonder how recovered I even was before this point. It was easy to say I was eating intuitively when I could still restrict so many, “bad” foods from my diet. No meat, no dairy, no soy, low sodium, no gluten (real intolerance so I still won’t be eating that) Every time I put a piece of cheese or meat in my mouth I feel so much guilt and feel like my body is literally growing as I eat it. I want to just give in and starve so bad. I hate this feeling so much. 

I know this discomfort is necessary though. I couldn’t remain in that middle ground anymore. I had to fall off the fence and pick a side. Hopefully the recovered side will keep winning. Wait, I am not even going to say hopefully. I am going to say that it will.

On the bright side since I have allowed myself free reign with animal products I have been way less tempted by gluten. This is the easiest it has ever been for me to avoid foods that make me ill.

Yay.

I am powerless to stop it. My disorder is calling me, screaming at me to come back.

No one is trustworthy, everyone lets you down. I don’t know how I fooled myself into thinking things would be okay.

Salad of mixed greens with baby tomatoes, mushrooms, kidney beans and my homemade tahini dressing. Then a microwaved sweet potato with a dash of maple syrup. So tasty.

Tahini dressing

2 tablespoons tahini

2 tablespoons water

dash of lemon juice

dash of salt, paprika, cayenne pepper, black pepper, and any other spice you think is nice :)

Stir until you get a smooth creamy consistency.

Is the biggest bitch ever. I chose a pretty easy hill…or so I thought. My goal was 20. I did ten and then threw up/nearly passed out :/

In my defense I have been very sick the past few days and just now am on the mend. Maybe I was expecting too much from myself. Tomorrow my goal is 12.

Gluten free pasta with oven-roasted asparagus, red onions, mushrooms, and garlic mixed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

Vegan, Gluten-free, and Soy-free. Living with food allergies isn’t as bad as I thought it would be :)